Good Afternoon! I am very sorry that you are hurt, with the news of your husband. I am unfortunately divorced. But in the first year I was dating my husband, we sat down and shared. I did share about the ADHD and how I have had to struggle with it since 4 years of age. There was no hiding my ADHD idiosyncrasies while we were dating and when we were married. I even tried to break up with him later in our first year of dating, because I could see that he wasn’t going to be able to handle it. To my surprise he didn’t want to break up, because he didn’t want to be alone for rest of his life. But neither did I.
I explained to him that I was not looking for him to solve my problems, but needed support, compassion, understanding, empathy of some kind and most of all patience. I explained that we needed to work together on what I thought would be difficult for whoever ended up with me. No one in my family had ever really taken the time to read up on ADHD. But I guess if someone is important enough, you take the time. My now ex-husband took the time to read “Driven to Distraction”. I thought this was great, because it really showed me that he cared and was looking to see how I ticked. Mind you the book was completely highlighted for I think they wrote the book for me. When were married obviously my ADHD came out in my living and unfortunately, my ex-husband was not as caring as I thought he would be and basically through it in my face. I never got points for effort, never was complimented and there was no sacrificial love on his end. He would see me mornings (which is my worst time during the day), scattering around to get out the door for work, but for him, his 5 course breakfast and reading his paper (for he was self-employed), was more important. He was not connected on any of my needs with ADHD and I thought that after reading a book about ADHD, I don’t know what he was expecting after we were married. Maybe that I would outgrow it or something.
I wish I could, there are days that I am more frustrated on how my ADHD affects others then to struggle with it and make things come out OK on a daily basis. He never sat down with me to ask what he could do to make things a little easier for me with the ADHD or for us. Yes, meds. can help a bit, but the support of someone you love means everything. I was always worried if we had children if they would have ADHD for he was an Architect and his siblings were also very smart. I wondered, if he couldn’t put up with me, how could he put up with a child who has ADHD. I had asked him once if he was looking for someone who has a brain or a heart. At the time he stated a heart. I only have my Associates Degree, but he is now married to someone who has a Ph.D and makes a lot of money. I was an open book, but my ex was very critical.
I am sorry you are finding out about the ADHD now. It might explain on his living behavior that at times, you might have wondered about. I would talk with your son at length about the ADHD and how he struggles with it on a daily basis.
But also state to him that it is something that he needs to talk over with his future wife. I feel it would mean more to his future wife with the love and respect he has for her to be open and honest. Truthfulness is the answer. Being honest and open about the ADHD is wise so they as one and as a couple, can figure out ways that might work for each other.
Also, educating themselves enough so that if it arises that they have a child with ADHD, they can work together for the better of themselves, the child and the family as a whole. I usually tell people,”If you don’t want to be a part of the solution, then don’t say anything or bother with me.” There are so many horrible things that we could all have, but I have wondered, if I had cancer, would my ex still have divorced me. Who knows. But if you have pledged for better or worst and richer for poorer in front of the eyes of God, then it is something that should be committed to the end. By the way, if you asked my ex why he got married to me, he would say “I thought I would just try it out, but it just didn’t work out”. So knowing in his heart it wasn’t going to work out, because I didn’t turn out the way he expected me to be, out the door was I. Good Luck with everything, I know you will figure out what is the best for you and your husband as well as your son and future daughter-in-law in dealing with day to day life. All the Best!