Reply To: I wish I could be fixed.


Hi there,
I haven’t checked the support forum in awhile, but it’s apparent I was supposed to tonight as soon as I saw you post. I’m here, not to give you a step by step solution, but maybe off some hope…Hope I wish someone gave to me last year at this time.

I have extreme ADHD. I have a hard time spelling words, I lose things unintentionally like keys, devit cards, cell phones, on a daily’s caused wreckage in my life and others. My hyperactivity unnedixated with stimulants is so intense that sitting still for any length of time causes so much angst in my kicky legs they will explode if I don’t constantly move.

Well, when I had an unplanned pregnancy last year, I thought the best thing would be to go off my medicine. Of course the rebound was brutal, I couldn’t hold my computer programming job I worked hard for, and I’m a 6 time college drop out. Like you, my IQ high, 169 actually. I can’t spell or remember 2 min ago, but I can see any pattern like it’s glowong. But I do not excel with traditional school for dozens of reasons. Yet I discovered programming and data science and everything about it I loved, and I actually was insanely gifted at it!!!

The only other job I could hold was waiting tables bc I always had to move and go from place to place. I couldn’t do my job without meds tho, bc I couldn’t sit still. 6 months went by. Got worse and they promised once out of my system it would be manageable with “cardio 5 x a week”. Yeah, I was running 10-15 miles a day in my third trimester simply to get an hour of relief after from burning off the kicky angst. It seemed so insane, no one believed me. Thought it was an excuse to be lazy. I prayed to God, and he seemed absent, but now see he was there all along I just didn’t know it. I was told by my father that he obviously failed as a parent bc I clearly can’t do life. I was hopeless, and alone. My resting Herat rate was 130 during this time. So even the doc who finally believed me said she would after baby, but was kinda leery bc stimulant (now on 40 mg focalin and resting heart rate 64-72 bc no angst in legs. I’m so backwards lol).

I had my daughter. She is perfect. I felt some hope. The endorphin rush carried me through to my next appointment to resume.

Less than an hour after taking first starting dose 20 mg xr, I felt the leg pain dissolve. My thoughts were normal and I could talk logically (ish). Within a week loved ones told me how amazing I look and I seem at peace, I didn’t tell them I resumed treatment until later. Started targeted ADHD therapy, been diving into exercise routine, and guess what? Started reviewing my programming stuff bc I could finally sit in one spot with no pain. It was like riding a bike and info soaked in even deeper. Just last week, got an email from my old boss head of tech dept that he knew how well I had been doing (he’s family) and I replied with what I’ve learned from auditing a PhD level machine learning class and told him how I thought we could apply it at the company. I was told I have my job if I want it when I’m ready. All this, and I have the most perfect baby girl in the world. She is my reason to continue and take care of myself, whether I want to or not or whether people think my illness is real or “fake”—it’s bigger than me now.

With life so beautiful (still rough times but I’m stable and not as emotionally reactive now), I still question why I had to go through that. At first I just assumed strengthen faith and gratitude. Which it did for sure.

It struck me last week, if I had someone who had been there and came out alive on the other side, I may have had hope. Being bitter that I didn’t have it did no good…but Hod revealed to me “Why don’t you be that source of tangible hope for someone else”—to tell them to keep moving their feet. I don’t know how things will get better for you or when, but maybe my experience can give you enough courage to keep moving. God works in mysterious ways. The way my qualify of life shifted is nothing short of a modern day miracle. People tell me what a wonderful mother I am, when while prgannat family members told me I would be a bad mom bc so irresponsible and negative or moody and unpredictable. I was told by a psych doc I’d never be able to do my dream job again…I’m doing it and doing it better than before.

I know I keep getting religious, but that was all I had to help me. But this verse I’ll leave you with by Paul
“Fight the good fight, finish the race, keep the faith”

Rebecca Bell