Reply To: Finding Your Tribe…Long Post

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#71842
hjoysharp
Participant

Please get your son out of that school! He belongs in public school where they will care about his needs. We deeply regretted keeping our son in his Catholic school for an extra two years while his older brother got trough 8th grade. Public school will assign him a case worker who meets with his teachers on a regular and frequent basis (every week, where we are). My son’s confidence and happiness soared within a couple weeks, a phenomenon i was told is quite common for kids with ADHD arriving from private schools.

Find a different source for friends. Church youth group has been a godsend to us. Try younger friends…by at least two years. This can be tricky since other families won’t want their kids going to play dates with a kid two or three years older. Essentially, stop thinking your son will ever function appropriately in a system that is not designed for him. And NEVER EVER allow him to socialize without having his medicine. It is mean to everyone involved. I am never sure why people think “taking a break” for the summer or even a weekend is a kindness. It punished him, significantly and with long term consequences. What’s the need for a “break”? Would you stop insulin? Either you believe in ADHA or you don’t.

If he has afternoon or evening activities, get and give him a small dose booster and NEVER miss it. If you run out of it, KEEP HIM HOME. Same with school and his day dosage, btw. Sending him somewhere without meds will, at the very best, get him corrected over and over again, in front of everybody, and teach him only that he is broken.

Understand that these kids receive over 200 negative messages every single day. Sit down. Stay still. Sit separately. Spell better. Try harder. Write more neatly. Give him a much needed break from negative messages. No. It’s much more than that. Protect him from this. Do whatever is necessary to keep it to 20 or fewer negative messages a day.

One bad incident or not, your child should not be expected to succeed in a group of his peers at this age with his diagnosis, without medication (of course!) or even without medication. Our kids are 2-3 years behind others in emotional maturity. Period. Your family can be his safe friend place. Embrace it. He’s an eseential and cherished part or YOUR team, regardless of his popularity anywhere else. That’s the message he needs to internalize. Tell him you, too, had no close friends (even if not true) and express the true statement that some people are “good” with themselves. (‘Loner’ is a less positive word, but it is very true, AND OKAY, that some people do not need other people around them in order for them to be for happy and develop self worth.

Help him deal with not being invited to parties by instilling in him confidence in other arenas. Does he have an individual activity, piano, running, card building, lego runs, etc? Find something that “hooks” him, something that makes time feel like it flies for him. Then concentrate on that. If there is no one thing, then search for things that will provide this purpose for him for shorter terms. For example, my son spent a couple three weeks perfecting the exploding popsicle sticks thing. He got great attention for the accomplishments! Dad videotaping it…BROTHER playing back in slow motion:..mother sharing it with family and on social media. Your whole job, at this point, is to support him in who he is. Forget fitting in and popularity. Set aside all your previous understandings related to the importance of those things.

In my opinion, the phrase “sonny boy” is inappropriate, at best. Sorry. I know it’s difficult, but you must be on his side, always. The message that sends is that you detest him. Sorry, but that’s what I hear and you should know that at least some others think that, even if you disagree.

Sorry to be blunt. I have made the mistakes you are making. My husband and I deeply regretted the time we wasted and the pain we allowed him to continue to suffer.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by hjoysharp.