First thing, your daughter probably isn’t contemptuos of you, not if you are so on top of trying to find solutions that benefit your entire family.
Second, I sure feel you on this one. Keep in mind that what u see from other people is only a small slice of what goes on behind closed doors.
Third, play to your daughter’s strengths. She is also in the process of gaining independence so have her create a schedule for the family. For example, project management apps might work.
Fourth, when the kiddos don’t get along, mandate that they have a dance off. If they are really salty, require ballroom dancing. This does a couple of things. It requires closeness, suprises them so they lighten up about their disagreement, they have to work together, it’s funny, and it has the regiment that your daughter likes but the ‘go with the flow’ vibe that your younger one likes.
Finally, write important stuff on a family calendar/to do list. Everyone has to add to it and they all can help u organize. You get to ask for help, you get to share some of the stuff that u don’t like, and you get to be you and not a bunch of functions.
Finally, take time off if u can. Take a walk or go somewhere by your self in order to organize your week. Get creative, order in all things is unnatural and boring.
Hope that helps.