First, you must tell yourself you aren’t a failure! You love your children and are juggling many things that even moms without ADD struggle with. Someone once told me, “Don’t compare your inside to my outside.” In other words, it’s likely that the mom’s you compare yourself to are making it look easier than it is. With that said, I completely understand because I have ADD, my son has ADHD and I raised him mostly by myself. He also took advantage of my difficulties because he’s very strong willed and has high expectations.
I’m thinking of things that helped me that might help you — the first was when I asked myself if I was my own mother, how would I feel? My honest answer to myself was “very fortunate” because I would be loved, cared for and listened to. Once I decided that I’m a good mom and would be happy with myself as a mom, I could let go of the guilt and feel more confident as a mother.
Since your husband is an IT management type, my guess is that he has firm boundaries and can set up an organized system with a process and procedures. I found that once I had a plan to follow with places to put things and resources to draw on, I did well following the structure. I just wasn’t good at creating it myself.
Can you and your husband discuss what would be helpful to put in place so you can both follow your household, childraising system with a process and procedures that you two can follow? Let him know the areas where you struggle with consistency and see if he can help you with some solutions. Also, you deserve the respect of your children just as you and your husband show them respect. Do not let your daughter make you feel “less than” or guilty. Be a strong role model for her.
If she had ADD, you wouldn’t want her feeling like a failure or feeling guilty. There is nothing wrong with you. You just need assistance with structure, boundaries and continuity. So do many people without ADD. It’s OK not to be super mom. It’s OK to take time for meditation and/or yoga classes that help you get centered and take care of yourself. YOur daughters will learn how self-care by watching you. You may need extra time to recharge your batteries, refill your cup and say “no” to some things that may overwhelm you. Your needs are yours and no one should be allowed to make you feel guilty about that. The better you are at caring for yourself, the better you can care for the other people you love.
Harder to do that say — but very true. . . and you’re worth it (so is your family) 🙂 God bless you! -L