Reply To: To the ADHD Partner: When you need to be liked

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#70421
tristanzta
Participant

Dear the Non-ADHD Partner,
I know I make you my rock for the feeling of acceptance & for recharging me when I am spent. I heavily lean on you to fill in the gaps in our relationship & family responsibilities. It’s not fair, and though I might not have it in the forefront of my mind, I do acknowledge that it’s too much to put all on one person.

I know that I am hypersensitive around these things when you try to talk to me about it. My perception is often so different from yours but it doesn’t mean with a calm & neutral approach that I won’t be open to seeing things from yours. Although with your built-up frustration with situations, especially ones mentioned above that seem like an endless circle that continually repeat, I can also empathize how hard it must be to address these issues in a calm & neutral way. It’s not fun nor is it easy for either of us.

I need to spend time upfront asking what I really get out of something before jumping into things with both feet. Do I really need that person’s approval? What do you & our family get out of me doing this? If it is important & benecial, is there another way to achieve the same outcome in a different way that utilizes less of my attention, resources, focus, money &/or time? Maybe these are things we can discuss and collaborate on as a team. I do value you & your perspectives & insights.

Although I have trouble prioritizing things at times, know that you are my #1 priority & I need to show it more. Let’s add routine to our relationship, like every other Fridays could be our date night – no excuses. We can make the last Sunday at end of the month, our time to list our relationship/financial/family goals for the coming month to ensure I’m staying focused on the right things. I don’t have all the answers but let’s work together to find out what works for us.

And though I might not admit it or speak the brutal truth, I would be lost without you. I need you, love you & need to put myself into showing you as much or more than I do when chasing others praise. My need to be liked & to please others is exhausting & worse drains my self esteem when I fail.

Hang in there, I’m aware & I’m working on it. If I’m not, let’s grab a drink & talk. Giving me more personal time for myself, may seem counterintuitive, but if I use that time to invest in broadening my support & social network, it will help ease the burden on you.

With love,
Your Partner first, & ADHD symptoms second

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by tristanzta.