I am a very scheduled person. I like my routine, I like my quiet. My eldest son and I could be perfectly content going on a car ride in silence. In the early days of bringing together our blended family – combining all the different personalities types caused me a lot of anxiety and made me feel like a failure a lot of the time. All the kids weren’t happy, or dinner wasn’t to everyone’s liking, or the house was a mess, etc.
During one shopping trip, I happened upon a little sign that said “You may call it chaos, I call it Family”. I bought it, and hung it in the house. Find your perfection in the imperfection. There is no shame in going to a quiet space if things are too chaotic for you (I did that just the other night). There’s no shame in a home cooked meal NOT being on the table every night (my “home cooked meal” last night was sandwiches, fruit and chips). Close the door if the messy room bothers you.
What you were describing about walking in the door and immediately feeling overwhelmed, we feel a lot of the time too. We started a “give me 10” rule. If an adult says “give me 10”, it’s a cue to the kids to leave them alone. The adult goes to their room and shuts the door and the kids leave them alone. Gives the adult some decompression time.