I to get what you are feeling. I have a house full of ADHD brains. My husband, eldest and I all have inattentive type which allows us all to “satellite” around each other, as we live in our own little world of thought. Occasionally we bump into each other, “oh hey, you’re here”.
Then there is my youngest, hyperactive and in need of constant sensory input. Life at our house drives him, this drives me, beyond nuts. He is constantly seeking attention and we love to spend time daydreaming.
As I write this we are in a relative calm place, but it hasn’t always been like that. It took a big mind shift, some behavioral parenting interventions (self directed because honestly, when do ADHD brains do things other people tell them), forgiveness, ADHD education, and a really really really amazing group of teaches and staff at my kids school.
I was only able to do this after I had to leave my job because things at home were so nuts. Here are a few tips, but remember, you are the captain of your own ship, and only you know what the solution truly is.
Acceptance: your family is different then most others. But it sounds to me like it is the same as many of the families on this sight! Your not alone
Small steps. Change one thing at a time. Our brains allow us to do amazing things, but you have to let the idea that you can solve it all right now. Big change, takes small moves.
Build your tolerance. Stimulate your vagal nerve by doing deep breathing. (If You don’t know what this is, start your research here).
Forgiveness. When things do get nuts and you don’t handle things the way you wanted, let your kid (your spouse, well anyone really) know that. It goes along way to improving your long term relationship. It also starts the process towards self forgivenes.
Find community! Like one of the other parents states above. Our kids don’t get asked out to places. Chances are, there is another kid in your child’s class in the same situation. Find out who that is and find out who their parents are. There might be a kindred spirit could use you just as much as you could use them!
Finally, do not accept blame. Other parents and teachers (and yes sometimes is as parents) seek to find blame for your child’s behavior. This can be directed at your child or it can be directed at you. “No Way” you take that incoming blame and you hit that sucker back over the wall. Are kids are not intentally acting out or choosing theor behavior. This is how our brains work, like it our not. When their behavior is seen as a problem, stop and ask yourself, is this behavior really a problem for my kid? The reaction might be, but the behavior is really a problem for the teacher. It is up to them to figure out how to teach with an ADHD brain in the room. Honestly, we would never label symptoms of other learning differences a problem. Think about it…
Also, age 9 seems to be a bit easier then age 8. You might just need to hold on until tight until next development milestone is reached. In that case, the bathroom seems like a good place to hide for a while. Ha ha, good luck! You got this!