Yep, but again please don’t take this as gospel – I’m only speaking from experience and a year of reading. The most valuable thing I’ve learnt is that adhd is very different for everyone, so it may or may not apply to your situation.
You know how you feel like you’ve been steam-rollered when you’re hungover or have flu? That’s the best way I can describe the fatigue thing. Stimulant meds helped a lotttt, but it still catches up with me when I’ve spent a long period being ‘normal’. It’s less frequent with meds, but still a thing.
The emotional issues are, from what I have been told and understand, very common in adhd but have been very misunderstood and misdiagnosed until recently. I was lucky enough to see an incredibly devoted psychiatrist who knew this. That was the main reason I was diagnosed, actually – I never did badly in school or struggled to sit still as a child, but the emotional side seems to be increasingly recognised and acknowledged, now. I was started on a mood stabiliser recently and it’s helped my anger/sadness/panicked outbursts hugely, so that might be a thing to discuss. There will still be moments of overflow because that’s just the reality of it, I think, so acknowledging that and lessening its impact on you is important… I used to work in a school full of kids with emotional difficulties, too, and always found the best thing was to recognise what was happening, get some distance and the talk about it once it’s passed. It’s hard not to take it personally, but you must try!
I’ve always found empathy/being needed by other people to be my main kickstarter…so I’m thinking he’s the same as me there – stepping up when you’re struggling yourself. The 2 motivations for adhd people are interest and urgency, so if you’re unwell or something he’s most likely going into hyperfocus to support you because he loves you so there’s urgency. I will bend over backwards for my family if they need it, but household chores don’t have that urgency or interest so my house is a pig-sty! It must be incredibly frustrating to live with…God knows I’ve had countless fights about it…but unfortunately I think it’s just a hard to stomach truth.
Also….after these periods of urgency hyperfocus, it’s a bit like being a pressure cooker. There will always be some sort of overflow afterwards because it’s mentally strenuous, and even though it’s automatic and fine at the time for me, what goes up must come down. Another unlovable fact of us lot!
Lastly, don’t feel like you’re doing anything wrong or failing in some way. You could be an adhd master and there would still be moments where he goes on one and you despair at the whole situation. I keep saying it but I really do think acknowledgment and distance are the way to go – like putting a blanket over a parrot’s head and going out for coffee until he becomes less frustrating! It sounds like you are doing an amazing job already in trying to understand… I wish my family were half as interested as you are…! Keep asking on here if you need to – it’s the most productive thing I’ve done all day, to be honest, so it’s of mutual benefit 😆