BFREE – I’m the ADD husband here. Teacher married to a clinical social worker (25 years; 19 yo son & 16 yo daughter). Diagnosed 15 yrs ago at 35 yo. Like my amazing wife, you have been remarakabky patient and loving. However, the last 2-4 years nearly cost me my marriage.
Your husband’s experience sounds an awful lot like mine. I get frustrated that I can’t always seem to remember basic daily things – the little stuff that says “I’m all in with you”. Those things snowballed, as did my shame and guilt, to the point where I was pretty a crappy husband and partner. And like most ADD folks, I didn’t see it or blamed others. You can see where this goes. We were to the point of discussing separation.
Even with medication, I thought I could ‘handle’ this ADD thing without therapy – fat chance. I’ve found a really good therapist, and have put some difficult work to date. And I’m lucky that I have a resilient and loving wife – though I even pushed her limits. I’m just glad I wasn’t too late (a rarity in my ADD life!). Meds and therapy are whatbseem to work for me. We’re heading in the right direction; and I feel more like the guy she married 25 years ago. I still have stupid ADD periods – but we both seem to know now that theyre not intentional, or that I don’t love her. Because immmore willing to acknowledge and talk about them, we can even laugh about some of them, too!
I think you can get to that place; it’s not easy, but it can be done. From your post, you seem to really love each other – that is a huge plus! It makes the struggle bearable, and can get you to the other side when it seems too hard. Your story sounds so familiar – I’m really pulling for you both!