God I do feel for you… I can only imagine what it would be like to live with me. I find it hard enough myself!
Although I agree it must feel like he’s lazy, sluggish and not trying to help himself, I think that he’s probably totally fatigued. It’s a very under-looked but veryyyyy common symptom of adhd, fatigue.. I thought I was a lazy and rubbish person, but I eventually learnt that so much energy goes into appearing normal 😂 and trying to function like normal people do, all while conversely hyper-ly thinking about 2 books I want to write, what Saturn’s rings must look like when on the planet and oh wait was that a robin I just saw? It’s a very exhausting, confusing and unlovable thing.. . I started a thread on here about fatigue myself, when I was first diagnosed ..stimulants made me more focussed and productive and the hamster wheel in my head stopped within an hour of the first pill, but after that it’s still a learning curve. More meds added; some taken away.. It took me a while after to realise drugs would never completely ‘cure’ me and that it was important to develop coping mechanisms alongside the meds.. For example, I know now that my memory will always be terrible, so I have a ‘launch pad’ by the front door so I don’t drive my boyfriend mad forgetting everything every time I leave the house.. I’ve accepted that after the bombardment of a week at work I need to sleep for 12 (16, sometimes, honestly, like a sloth) hours some weekends, which makes it easier on me and my loved ones because it removes the pressure to be ‘on’ and the inevitable tension that’s caused when I can’t shake it off/flake out of plans last minute… The last thing… I’m going to start another paragraph in case you’re skimming, because I feel it’s the most important thing:
You have to take time for yourself and not feel bad about it. It’s so important you get some time away to do things that are good for you, too. I have the same anxious empathising-to-a-fault thing it sounds like you have, so you’ll probably feel bad about it, but block that thought and do it anyway. I think your partner might benefit from this, as well – a chance to be solitary and level out is so important to me. It will probably remove some of the guilt he must have about being a burden on you, too…that’s such a massive thing with adhd….the guilt that you should be doing something more..that your loved ones would be happier without you, etc.
Also – joke about it! I always joke about how I do an eternal circle about losing things in a place where I find another thing….about how grumpy I get when I’m hungry or tired like a toddler..about how I spend 3 hours watching Rizzoli and Isles instead of going to work because I’ve been wound up all night so cant do anything but splodge on the sofa like melted ice cream…taking the p*** really helps with defusing tension!
Hope you get on ok. He sounds like he’s incredibly lucky to have you supporting him. Just make sure you get some you time as well!