Home › Welcome to the ADDitude Forums › For Spouses & Loved Ones › HELP! Stuck in the Passive Aggressive, Spiteful and Vendictive Cycle › Reply To: HELP! Stuck in the Passive Aggressive, Spiteful and Vendictive Cycle
I feel for you though my situation is not as extreme…AND I AM TJE OME WITH ADD. I am not hyperactive, seek out acquire, analyze and integrate information most common to academia and scientific inquirey extremely easily and well. But I can do magic tricks like vaporize something I swear I put “there” two minutes ago. And then make it reappear a few feet away after searching for a half hour! It is the quintessence of Inattentive type ADD. I am also an alcohol addict who allowed others to help me and did what others told me to do because I knew that if I did not stop the disease of Addiction would kill me. That has been nearly twelve years ago now. My add dx came After my sobriety when I sought help for debilitating panic attacks in the absence of any rational cause. So I am trr-diagnosed per se alcoholic, ADD and GAD. I have tapped into most every resource available to help me with staying sober, managing my add and anxiety, medication included. So I have admitted submitted and committed to change my thoughts, feelings and actions in the interest of self and family preservation. And I am not void of behaviors that are symptomatic of these conditions but have managed to manage most quite well. And it has taken a great amount of time effort and energy to get to this point.
But the above seems to count for zip, zero, nada, absolutely taken for granted by my wife who refused to recognize her anger management issues and the emotionally abusive treatment I have endured for years. When I was active in my alcoholism, I believed I deserved such treatment and believed I CAUSED HER to act in such a manner. The absolute truth that I am not and SHE ALONE is responsible for her thoughts, feelings and actions is absolutely clear to me. But she uses resentment, hyowrcriticism and unreasonably high, absolilutely uncompromising and shifting her focus on standards of household organization, maintainence, upkeep and architectural digest ideals on how our house should look, what I should do to ensure such and attends to what has NOT been done as well as my inherent challenges that lead to my perpetual failure to meet her perfectionistic threshold. Then uses such shortcomings as opportunity to engage in verbal attacks on my worth, effort, accomplishments, motivations, character and strengths. They are directed at me personally, and involve demeaning statements as well as character assassination and being the sole cause of her lack of her personal accomplishments and lack of soxlcioeconomic ascent. And does so in front of our nine year old son obtw.
And I am the one who is the stay a home spouse, per mutual agreement. So am financially dependant on her due to a single even that occurred eight years ago, that she even admits ended in an entirely unjust criminal conviction at the hands of a DA looking for kills for his career as opposed to justice. Prior to said event I had not a single event on my legal record outside of three speeding tickets. And of uch nature that I would do the same thing again as it involved an that places the well being f my son ,and brought unintended harm to me only. That harm came in the form of the legal system itself. And zealous application of a law so broadly written that the scenario could literally happen in any average home devoid of weapons or the existence of anything illegal there in.
So when it comes to the bahavior of whichever party, such is not a symptom of add/ADHD, but that of a mental condition more like Anti Social Personality or Borderline personality disorder.