Reply To: Engaged and on the verge of a breakdown

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#67939
PocoPer
Participant

I understand the ticking time clock, I do. Here’s hope though: I was 35 when I got married. 36 when I had my first child, 39 (one month shy of 40) with my second child. Marriage doesn’t fix issues, it just exacerbate any pre-existing issues. Having ADHD is one thing and there’s nothing wrong it. If you were marrying a person who accepted his issues whether they be ADHD or something else and was willing to work on those issues would be one thing. But you’re not. You’re looking at marrying a person who is in denial about his ADHD or any other issues he may be facing. You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, you can’t control it.

Getting married to a person because he may be the only option based on where you’re at in age is not an option. Marriage takes a lot of work and compromise. It takes the ability for a person to honestly assess themselves, look at the needs of their spouse and recognize if their behavior is helping or hurting. It takes two whole people, not one person working for two.

Looking at an impending marriage should not give you feelings of exhaustion. This should be the period where you’re excited and looking forward to the future. Take his ADHD out of this and take the possible guilt out of leaving a person because their ADHD has been allowed to take it over. If you’re truly honest with yourself, is this something you’re ready to take on? Is this a person you could truly build a life with?

Keep in mind that life can be hard. In the years I’ve been married to my husband, we’ve faced children that were sick beyond your normal colds and such, hospitalizations, job loss, finding out we have a child who has ADHD along with Tourette Syndrome, lifelong illnesses that I have to manage and many other things. We are not perfect, far from it but the two of us are whole individuals who are willing to work on things together and for the common goal of our marriage and our children. Is this gentleman you are engaged to someone that you can truly take on all of lifes ups and downs with? Anyone who is yelling at you and not treating you as you deserve is not someone who will be able to give you the support you need for a combined life.

Personally, if we were friends I would strongly advise you to not go through with the wedding. You already have a feeling this is not going to work. Trust your instincts. The BIGGEST mistake we make in life is not listening to our gut feelings. Your gut is talking. Trust it.