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Many of my coaching clients deal with exactly what you describe. And even though I have working on my own ADD for decades, I would be lying if I said that I never deal with same thing. Our subconscious minds are huge storehouses of our memories, good and bad—things that were said to use, faulty assumptions made about us, etc. The things you say to yourself are sourced from the huge reservoir of information stored deeply within our minds, things about which we may be completely unaware on a conscious level.
The first work that we need to do is forgiving ourselves for what we say to ourselves so we are not further reinforcing the words. This isn’t easy work and it doesn’t ‘fix’ the challenge quickly. But it IS the place to start. At the same time, pat yourself on the back for your successes—clearly, you have a great deal of empathy for others and that’s a WONDERFUL personal attribute. With support, it is possible to get a handle on this!
Please know that you are by no means alone with this particular challenge. You may want to consider working with an ADHD coach who can support you in discovering additional ways to work work with this challenge in your life. You deserve to learn how to become your biggest cheerleader!