Reply To: Boyfriend keeps putting off treatment

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#63616
saratops
Participant

Hello @tryingtounderstand – First of all, great username – I constantly feel like I’m trying to understand my 29-year-old husband with ADHD. He has been on medication for it for years, and when he doesn’t take it, I’m just reminded of why he needs it. There’s nothing wrong with that – I have depression and anxiety and I take medication for that because it helps. But like countless people will tell you, the person has to want help for the help to ever work. I’m very familiar with the issues you identified in your original post – primarily feeling like nothing you say or do matters. I also feel like some of the behaviors are directed at me and are intended to hurt me. He assures me it’s not personal that he leaves dirty silverware on the dining room table every single time he eats, for instance, or doesn’t really follow through on household tasks, or doesn’t listen AT ALL. It’s like he thinks he can go to work (as an attorney) do what he needs to do there, and then nothing else matters. It has gotten increasingly worse the longer we’re together, but I know some of that is your typical taking-advantage-of-your-partner that sometimes happens in relationships. I often feel like I’m not even there when we’re at home, mainly because he has his eyes constantly glued to his cell phone, and he doesn’t seem to recognize how alienating that is or how alone that makes me feel. I imagine you feel the same way. I do agree that with ADHDMomma above that loving someone with ADHD is easy, but that’s not really the issue, and it’s unfair for him to claim his ADHD isn’t a problem in the relationship when you are clearly stating that it IS a problem for you, or rather his refusal to accept that he may not be handling things that well. We are all incredibly flawed, sometimes beyond belief, but I refuse to accept that my husband can’t be considerate of me and my feelings when he can be in his relationships with other people. You love your boyfriend, I get that, and you don’t want to leave him because of an issue he can’t help, and I get that, too. I can’t make my depression and/or anxiety go away, but I can learn ways to cope such that my depressive episodes and feelings of complete despair don’t make me lash out and push people away, and by god, my husband can learn ways to cope with his ADHD such that he doesn’t seem like such a dick. We can all afford to be better people for each other and your boyfriend owes you the same compassion and openness that you are showing him. Good luck, my friend.