oh yep. you’re totally not alone. First! Thanks for your work! Nurses are superstars in my opinion.
I no longer work in a salaried team role, but for many years of my undiagnosed life I did, and could never understand why people left me out of discussions, then when I’d try to join in they’d look at me as if I was a leper. my most recent full time office job – the boss would sit around and play computer games and get paid almost 100K per year, and if she just got back from vacation time she’d hold court with her favourites in an open plan office and talk about her exploits while away.
I couldn’t believe my ears. I realized I didn’t WANT to fit in with that kind of person…one who has no kind of work ethic and not a thing in common with me. Yes, there were others in the office I wanted to be friends with but it never eventuated…felt like a puppy. I often just wanted someone to like me and pat me on the head…instead I developed a taste for the fundraiser chocolates in every corner of the office and managed to put on 30 kg (60 or 70 pounds?) in the 7 years I worked there. So wretchedly unhappy, bored (I worked as a trainer/educator for people in a large company), lonely, frustrated, stuck. Honestly, I was so hurt by the rejection that I got SO bent out of shape. AND I learned after leaving that I couldn’t get another job anywhere because my boss would describe my ADD behaviour to the people using her as a referee…so I couldn’t get out, and I was stuck working there trying to pay off the house and live up to my responsibilities.
2 years after leaving that job I now am a full time parent, part time musician and working on the new kids’ music workshop that I’m starting in my local area. If I’m going to be a grown up looking person with a kid’s sense of fun and musicality, I might as well make money out of it. People pay me to sing, play guitar and teach kids to sing and play percussion instruments. Eventually, I might even make a profit. Here’s hoping. If anything, being diagnosed and medicated helps me understand myself a whole lot better, but also it makes me dig my heels in when people ask me to be something I’m not. I’m not lazy. I’m hardworking, not perfect, but a good parent and a caring partner and friend. Good luck Nursey Jess