Yes, you sound catastrophic, just like me. You are castigating yourself for absolutely everything that you trip up on, which is a lot.
But how many are of any real importance?
And what do you do well? For a start, you write beautifully, with vigor and honesty and a wry sense of humour, and that is a very rare accomplishment – particularly when one is frazzled to the brink with all the do this, try that, not that, swallow this, and on and on.
So write, find the things that you can do, not the things you cannot, the latter are legion and will break your heart.
Those of us like you are on tragi-comic adventure, but we often have rare skills, even if we use them at three in the morning.
Throw the beepers out of the window.
Creativity – which you seem to possess in spades- does not come with a beeper.