Reply To: Financial mess and shame

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Adults Relationships Financial mess and shame Reply To: Financial mess and shame


Dear ADD, I’m 52 and found out that I had add 3 years ago. I didn’t take it to seriously and was under prescribed in dosage . This shame thing finally manifested itself 8 months ago as I have learned that it has been growing probably since my teens. I work for myself and had some good years but never seemed to excel. I kind of just subsided and keep picking up little by little more shame , getting more in debt. Not to mention getting more ornery short temper bad attitude etc. Treating my wife just a little more worse as years went on. I managed to go to the porn world to get my sanctity like getting on a hamster wheel. Not to long until I found another thrill through Craigslist. You can fill in the blanks . I’ve never cheated or did anything like this after 20 years . It has been devastating for her when she found all on my phone in Jan 17. I was somewhat relieved but very depressed. Went to therapy and learned ADD was the root of this. My wife hung in really to protect the our 11year old who is an awesome boy that’s very athletic and smart. She didn’t want to have his environment crushed. I’ve learned a lot about the shame the shame. Shameful and shame our 2 different meanings. It the embarrassed moments that you feel and get over the years of failures disappointments bad luck that you keep and it builds unknowingly and it affects everything thing you do . Your wife and
you have to learn what this is all about to understand for you to understand how to connect the dots of this to realize the debt job loss and probably marriage stress has been going south way before all this as well. I just loss my shame and felt feeling I haven’t felt in a long time. It was almost and kind of was a revelation. My wife even hurt stood by me. Now I can start navigating out of this mess and heal her collateral damaged wounds as well. Remember you get well first then you will be able to heal your family. It’s a hard road and she may not buy into acknowledging that add was the cause. It’s hard I know but think about your kid every day to get you refocused some to take a positive step forward. Don’t worry about everything at once. Good luck man , I’m working hard as well thinking we have to make this work. We’re a team and I’m hoping to hear good things from you as that will
motivate me . Keep it going!!!
PS Edit adjustment. I didn’t read through the rest of the threads and the one you updated in July 27, coincidencdentaly my birthday. My wife and I attended a Retrovaille marriage workshop. Its a Catholic generated but you don’t have to be Catholic or diehard. They have a lot of testimonial couples that has gone through the worse marriage devistating events from one of the couple and hear both sides of how they managed to forgive and hear how they struggled to mend and stay together. It’s not ADD related but has a lot of the torment that comes out of when the disability brings us to the worst catastrophic damage it does to marriage. They have them all over the country two weeks out of the year somewhere. I got a lot out and connected alot that I’ve been learning and taking stock of what my Therapist talks had taught or stayed with me to hear some things making me trigger thoughts that made sense to put my understanding full circle of shame. I actually felt all the shame being sucked out of me and the most euphoric love and peaceful feeling was thrusted in me. I’m not a every week good Catholic but but after experiencing that I know God put that little extra and touched me to let me know that I can go on and heal. I’m running clear now but still have the ADD. I just have to be vigilant and work every day. Read and learn tidbits all you can get. You’ll connect the dots. I would have never thought that would of happened like that. Just keep banging away until the beat makes sense. EA