Ajsd – two things here:
1) know that when you say:
“I noticed he usually is only defiant to me or his grandma which are the rule makers and enforce them..with others including his Dad he doesn’t push the limits but his Dad is fun weekend Dad and doesn’t enforce rules..his coaches..teachers..other parents he is respectful and listens”,
this is what happens with EVERY child… Children are most defiant and disrespectful with the family members they have the greatest bond with (usually Mom). Basically, they act out against those they know will truly love them no matter what they do – the parent-child relationship is the ONLY one that is unconditional (every other one is conditional, including spouses, and I only include fathers IF they are as equal to the kids as the mothers). They don’t act this way with others for fear they will stop loving or liking them. This is why children, who might seem crazy at home, are called “angels” at school or other people’s houses. It is normal. It also begins to escalate around age 9 or 10 (my joke is that kids stop being fun and cute at this age – I am a teacher & mom of 2).
2) A lot of children with ADHD also have co-occurring disorders. Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is one of these. My oldest child has both, and from age 8 to 15 was very difficult to deal with a lot of the time. If you truly suspect this (read about it here on the ADDitude website or other respectable sites – no Wikipedia), document your child’s behaviors and consult the pediatrician or doctor handling his ADHD. It is possible he has it, or it is possible it is a stage, is this age, or has seen someone at school act in this manner and is “trying it out”.
Either way, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and a lot of help out there! My oldest is still a bit negative (her ADHD is Impulsivity) and disrespectful at times, but we have great communication so I just call her on it and she tries to watch her behavior. Also, know it is just the behavior that is bad – your child is still a good person. Remembering that will help you in your most frustrating times and will give your child the self-esteem he needs to not feel like he is a horrible person.
Hope this helps. No judgements here. Just help, as this is what these posts should be about.