I know from my own son at that age that *nothing* seemed to work until he was medicated for ADHD. The right medication was like giving us a solid foundation on which to practice good parenting. Before that, his overwhelming emotional and impulsive responses made establishing even the most minimal expectations and enforcing consequences completely unbearable. There were no negotiations, reasoning, behavior systems or punishments in the universe that would have worked. We didn’t try it, of course, but I’m sure someone could have literally beaten the boy every time he was defiant and raging — and he’d still have been defiant and raging. He was truly out of control and seemed to feel really bad afterwards for how he’d acted, going — like your son — from “hating” us to loving us again.
ADHD researchers and expert Russell Barkley, MD has a book called Your Defiant Child written for this age group. It might be the best $12.70 on Amazon you’ve ever spent; I highly recommend it. I’d also recommend watching his YouTube videos on ADHD. The critical element is not listening to other parenting advice and following a program tailored specifically for children with ADHD, who do not respond to rewards and punishments like neurotypical kids do.
I remember how incredibly stressful that time was, and I honestly wondered how our son would ever function. Four years later, he’s doing awesome, though! You would not believe that kid at age 9 is the boy we have now at age 13. Have hope and keep looking for answers! I hope the book and videos help!