Reply To: ADHD, Anxiety and feelings

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Hello SuzyQ and Domalskid, I was really intrigued to read your posts. I have been involved romantically with a man of 65 for 5 years now, who seems to have these same problems. I did not know at first, what was going on with him. I gradually got to realize that he drinks to excess to cope with his problems, but it is only recently I have put two and two together to come up with ADHD. He never talks to me about feelings. At first in our relationship, we had a wonderful, sweet, gentle love and he told me he loved me. He loves being cuddled and caressed, and we loved our times in bed together, just cuddling and loving each other. But he became very anxious about the sexual side of things, early on and just cannot “perform”. He normally tells women he “does not do sex”, but as I stayed with him, it was different – he couldn’t get away with that. I honestly thought he was gay, or had been abused as a child or something, because I just could not understand what the hell was going on. He did mutter something once about being anxious, and I read all I could find about anxiety, bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, depression, etc – until I came up with ADHD – and I must say that seems to fit the bill. He has gone from having two failed marriages to one woman friend after another, and seems to feel no remorse when the relationship fails. He just moves on. I see little of him, as we are long-distance, and when I do manage to arrange a get-together, he is so anxious and we end up having a “spat” when he gets upset and defensive about something innocent I said and he throws me out. Usually, we get back together again, but this last time, he has blocked my phone calls and texts and ignores my emails, so I have no way of getting in touch – except by letter or actually going to see him. We NEVER talk things through. He just always says he does not want to talk about it “now” – but in five years, it has been NEVER. If I try to talk, he sometimes physically runs away, or explodes like a volcano and tells me to leave. It is so frustrating. He is otherwise a lovely, sweet, caring, gentle man who will do anything for anyone, and tends to get taken advantage of, because of that. I would dearly love to help him, but do not know HOW to reach out to him. Any ideas, please? I would love to hear from you two what the best method is of getting through to him. I find the times when he does let his guard down and talk to me are when he is drunk on the phone (he never drinks when I am there). He will then cry bitterly and tell me he regrets what he has done to his family and has messed his life up – but when he is sober, he clams up again. What do you think? Should I keep on keepng on in there, or should I walk away and leave him to his own devices? He has no other close friends, other than the woman next door who he gets drunk with. She takes advantage, because he buys her booze, she uses his car and they lend each other money. Then she poisons him against me, to keep me away from him. He has no money, is in debt and I worry that he will not live much longer. I can’t stop thinking about him, worrying about him and wondering what to do. Maybe that is my own OCD? I seem to be obssessed about him. Please, what do you think? Lorna