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#58961
LarryLCSW
Participant

Charlie Brown, as a couples therapist myself, it’s wonderful to read how that one session where you got a chance to understand what was really going on with your wife helped to calm your fears and activate all of your compassion for your wife. Nothing is more devastatingly painful than to feel someone you deeply love pull totally away from you. It’s a very very tough thing that often a spouse (usually the man, and especially a person with ADHD) can miss the mark and miss the signs that what they’re doing is seriously harming their partner’s ability to feel close and to love, until it is almost too late — and sometimes, until it really is too late. Luckily for you, you discovered the problem and what was causing it in time. But it’s truly HELL to live through that stage of a partner’s healing — and as you point out, it’s hard enough for a neurotypical person, but for a person with ADHD, who has trouble dealing with time to begin with, a week can feel like an eternity, and a few months can feel like “never”!

I’m glad you and your wife had that wonderful session. I suspect there’s a good chance there will be a few more “bad” weeks along the course of your couples therapy. I hope your therapist is able to be supportive of

    both

of you — because you need a lot of support and empathy too. And, though I know that men often have no one to lean on or talk to besides their wives (I’m a man myself, so I know about this), I hope there is someone else in your life that you can get support from during those tough weeks — someone who totally supports your marriage and can help strengthen you while the two of you heal. I think there’s a great need for more of that kind of support in our society.

But when the going gets rough, just remember — she’s going to those therapy sessions because she WANTS to be married to you. She WANTS to be close to you again, even if she can’t be right at the present moment. Be strong, show her you understand and you care. Your love for her is so obvious. I think you’ll win her back — by this time next year the two of you will be in a completely different, much much better place.