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I don’t know if asking specifically what she needs will give results. She probably would be upset because “you still don’t get it”. Tell her you love her and you did the best you could with the information you had, it is clear you didn’t do enough of the right thing, and you are very sad about it. Tell her about all the resources you are reading right now to try to understand (in detail), and that you hope in time you will be able to understand. And then wait and don’t put your emotional burden on her — there are some things she is only likely to understand when she has kids of her own.
I also suggest that you and your husband get tested for ADHD as well, given the strong genetic component of ADHD. Because this may be a player in the relationship as well. If you are a neurotypical person and your husband has ADHD tendencies, you might have tried to single-handedly compensate for that by being responsible for all things that require consistency, such as discipline, and that’s how you get the brunt of anger now. In this case, your husband has to own up to being part of the problem. If you have ADHD tendencies yourself, you might have tried too hard to educate her to prevent the problems you have been facing (I can see that in myself). I would also recommend a reading of “Raising your Spirited Child” to see how your (inborn) temperamental traits might interact with hers; it may help narrow down the sources of friction.