Toomanytabs: Early in our marriage, my husband lived across the country for a while, and I found out what would happen.
He would live in filth because he literally never cleaned a floor or a bathroom. He would take in mail and pile it in the garage. He would miss bills entirely and only pay a parking ticket after he was in hot water. He wouldn’t notice when the new house flooded and the walls started to rot. He would never buy anything until the clothes were rotting off his body, so there’s that, at least. As for everything else…well, at least I realized then that he wasn’t consciously choosing to dump on me. He was just that dysfunctional. Masters degree in CS, among the most respected and in some circle even famous in his field. Yet there’s that….
He’s a very different person now. I haven’t even reminded him about oil changes in years. He chose to change and figured out what he needed to do to make the changes work for how his brain works. It’s not easy, but you can.