Reply To: Mental Load, Feminism, and ADD

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The comic is irritating because it’s deaf to other kinds of mental loads that men traditionally did: yard care, car maintenance, house maintenance and repair, investments, financial planning, taxes, and, for the richer half of society, employment, as only poorer women used to do formal employment after marriage. Those also take plenty of mental energy–I say this as a working woman who used to get all these dumped on me, too, though I also have ADHD. (We had a Conversation when my husband nearly destroyed his car by never getting the oil changed.)

I have as little patience for the woman as the man, honestly. She needs to speak up. He needs to get in the habit of doing a share. (I won’t say “his” share because it’s really only going to be 50/50 if everyone tries to do all their stuff AND MORE because there’s always slack and extra work. 70/70 adds up to about 95 in reality, which is close enough.)

Consciously recognize all duties and explicitly divide or share them.

Next, designate a time for tasks that tend to not happen. Everyone drops everything and cleans at 7:30 when an alarm goes off at our house. Otherwise, things quickly devolve into chaos.

It doesn’t matter that it’s hard for you. You have to do it anyway. Figure out a way to not dump on your wife because you have the excuse of ADHD. You seem to realize that this is a failing of yours, which is great. Next, you’ve got to address it!

Be a decent person despite the difficulties by using automatic reminders and alarms and changing your lifestyle to remove as many unnecessary tasks as you can. My car gets the highest grade synthetic oil possible. Now I just have to get the oil changed every 6 months, and if that goes to 8, no big deal. I also have a mechanic who tracks everything that needs to be checked, and once a year, I tell him to do whatever maintenance is needed. In the house, I’ve purged thousands of things so I have less to maintain. I cook in mass quantities just twice a week. I make 2-4 dishes at a time, not counting little things like fruit and yogurt or salads, but only two days. I shop exactly once a week, except for home improvement projects or clothes (which I shop for about 3 times a year for me or the kids, when I don’t just buy their stuff at Super Walmart while I’m getting groceries). Simplify. Eliminate. Purge. Collaborate.

And check in with your wife!!!!

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by gentlygenli.