Your husband is disabled but also selfish and inconsiderate. These are not mutually exclusive. My husband and I are both ADHD–my psychiatrist called mine the worst she’d seen in an adult in many years.
I plan the vacations. I do it in two ways. First, I prepare everything AT ONE TIME. All flights, hotels, sightseeing plans, back up choices, etc, are made in one fell swoop–this gets me when it’s fresh and exciting and I can also hyper focus. I’m not allowed (by me) to do just one part. When the vacation date is really close and I’m in the last-minute panic, I review the plans and make whatever changes are needed. The last international trip that needed passport renewals and visas was pretty horrible to manage because of all the DIFFERENT deadlines and requirements. But this approach makes domestic trips easy.
This is also how we plan for family weekend activities. I sit down once every 6 months and hyper focus on getting one fun local activity per month on the calendar–and I buy any needed tickets right away (Will Call is GREAT). Now all I have to do is just show up because everything is done.
My husband has pulled what your husband pulls–just ONCE with the family. We had a conversation one night when we were booking a very expensive hotel and I was frantically trying to decide what to do about how bad this was. Either he had to step up in PLENTY of time or I would schedule all the details of our future vacations. He agreed that he’d majorly messed up. So now we decide where to go together, and he doesn’t even pretend that he will make arrangements. I present him with a rough itinerary, he approves it, and I go off that and enter the details on my Travefy account, which he can see when he finally decides that it’s time to think about going somewhere.
If you can’t work together, my suggestions are to buy travel packages, tours, cruises, or pick places where you can work well spur of the moment (Vegas or a National Park or a resort–once you have your airplane tickets and lodgings, you can play by ear). The final alternative is to take separate vacations.
The current situation is unacceptable.