Home › Welcome to the ADDitude Forums › For Spouses & Loved Ones › HELP! Stuck in the Passive Aggressive, Spiteful and Vendictive Cycle › Reply To: HELP! Stuck in the Passive Aggressive, Spiteful and Vendictive Cycle
If you no longer want to be with him and feel that there is nothing to save you should begin documenting this abuse in a journal and take pictures of any physical evidence ( a thrown vase, holes punched in the walls, a red slap mark, verbally abusive text messages or phone calls). Then go to a lawyer who specializes in assault and abuse. Make a plan for leaving, have your things packed and at least $500 cash on hand. Make sure you have a motel or place you can stay that is safe. If you have to leave quickly without your clothes make sure the cash is hidden very well in your car. If things escalate quickly, apologize, say your going to go to the grocery store with the kids and ask him if he needs anything. Send someone else the next day for your things. You should probably have your own secret bank account and make sure the mailing address isn’t your own. Make sure someone you trust that would never talk to him knows what is going on and has some of the evidence. If he is physically or emotionally abusive towards your kids please try to leave him now. Its better for the kids. I promise you.
I love my dad, but sometimes he would get out of control and healing from the things he said to me took me 5 years to get over. I had a very strong will and his physical attempts to control me didn’t work too well… in my opinion words do the most damage. Bruises heal quickly.
If its not that bad and you want to help him it needs to be more than you. You’ll need a team. Anyone he holds in high regaurd would be good to recruit. Have the kids talk to this person about what is happening behind closed doors. Show them any evidence you may have. Then get them on board for an intervention with a counselor that can moderate. Be strong. Don’t ignore the problem. Your kids deserve better.