Reply To: HELP! Stuck in the Passive Aggressive, Spiteful and Vendictive Cycle

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#57082
drjcp404
Participant

While your husband my have ADHD, the episodes you are describing seem more indicative of a personality disorder. As an adult with ADHD, he should at least have the realization of his condition and then acknowledge when he has issues with it.

The issues you have mentioned are more in line with a personality disorder (the most common being narcissistic, borderline, and histrionic). They are rarely mutually exclusive and can be underlying the ADHD. Your husband’s behavior seems to be causing you a lot of stress and confusion and you seem to be doing all the work trying to “fix” him. You are likely very intelligent and can solve most problems, so your inability to help your husband is very baffling to you. Especially if your husband is only acting this way toward you but able to act normal to others– there is most likely an underlying personality disorder.

My suggestion is to read what you can about personality disorders instead. Focus on the concepts of “gaslighting” and “hoovering”. Don’t worry about what type of personality disorder he could have; just start looking up “signs of narcissistic abuse” and the like and see if it describes how you feel. If so, you have to change your approach.

Realize that the approach to dealing with personality disordered individuals does involve love; however it is love for yourself. This really is true for any condition actually. You need to have a strong love for yourself and good self-esteem and boundaries. It isn’t your responsibility, married or not, to fix anyone else’s problems.