I have been in your position. My son is now 24 and I can only tell you that THIS TOO SHALL PASS! He won’t be making these frustrating choices forever. It was very difficult to separate his behavior from the wonderful child that he is…and even more difficult to separate my own sense of failure as a parent from his behavior. But, none-the-less, we learned and progressed.
I realized that if his behavior is out of control, he’s not recognizing his own cues to frustration early enough. We really worked hard on becoming aware of what began “the spiral”…and then learned to take responsibility for the actions following. You may not be able to change the circumstances surrounding you, but at least you have a CHANCE at changing your response. It’s a muscle that’s difficult to develop when you have an impulsive streak, but IT CAN BE DONE. It’s a collaboration between you and your child, helping him to become more aware of himself and his choices. If YOU are frustrated with the outcome of his behaviour, just imagine the frustration and embarrassment he may be experiencing (although well hidden to save face). He needs you on his side, helping him to tackle this “monster” called ADHD and wrangle it into subservience!
We found Ross Greene’s book, The Explosive Child, to be extremely helpful and a counselor (savvy to this approach) in our area that supported us as we navigated this challenge as a family. I believe he has a new book out called Raising Human Beings.
Best to you and your family as you make your way through!