Can you focus on helping your wife heal, rather than thinking about sex? Maybe the intimacy can return even faster, if you make her the priority and not your sex drive.
You may feel as though you may not have a wife until years from now, but that’s not a fact, it’s an assumption. What is a fact, is that she has been through some very difficult times with you, and she’s still there doing her best. You want her to step up and be there for you! Have you been there for her all these years? It is a two way street. She is broken in ways you cannot understand and all you can think about is sex? I get it, that’s how you need to feel love, and of course the dopamine rush that ADDers crave. How does she need to feel loved by you? Ask her. For women, it’s more about other small acts of kindness that show us that we are loved. Ask her what she needs. IF you continue to mention sex right now, she will feel like nothing more than a piece of meat, that sex is all you want. Value and appreciate her for the wonderful woman that she is. It takes a strong and devoted woman to survive this kind of relationship. You have been her focus until now. It’s your turn to step up, make her YOUR focus and give her what she needs. She can’t pour from an empty cup, and right now, she’s empty.
Keep focusing on your own healing and managing your ADD correctly. It took years to get where you are, and it can’t be rebuilt in a week. Exercising is one of the best ways to manage your ADD. At least 30 minutes 5 days a week. The more you do, the better! Meditation is another good thing. Even 10 minutes is beneficial. Try the Calm app. Build on your own strengths right now. Show her that you are committed and that you can be trusted to take responsibility for your ADD and your responsibilities as a partner and all that it entails. Sorry, but you need to prove it to her and to yourself.
Remember, we all have control of our thoughts. If you need to create new thoughts and patterns, then now is a good time to start. I also hope that you are seeing a therapist with ADHD relationship experience. IT is crucial that they understand this dynamic.
Best of luck.