Wow! This post really blew up overnight. Thank you all so much for the responses. It means a lot to me that you would take the time and effort to craft them.
There’s a lot of great advice here which I need to process. One thing that a few people asked about is why I feel I don’t deserve another chance. This is something that’s deeply rooted in my psyche. It comes from having a traditional European family and Catholic schooling. It mostly comes down to guilt. I’ve hurt a lot of people in my life at times when my ADD went untreated. I suppose I hurt them when I myself was hurting most. Some of the damage I’ve done is irreversible and those people will never forgive me. That’s something I struggle to accept. There’s also the fact that I’ve repeated mistakes over and over again. I know this is something the ADD brain does – it makes it difficult for us to learn from our mistakes because we live so impulsively. Most of the time I don’t even recognize that I’m going down the same path of destruction. Based on those things, I just end up thinking, “Well, you were given an opportunity and you blew it… again.” That’s why I don’t believe I deserve more chances.
I’ve been taking some vitamin supplements (magnesium and Omega-3) and meditating regularly, which has helped some. I won’t be able to apply for health insurance again until November, so that’s going to have to wait. Right now I’m kind of on autopilot; working two jobs and preparing to go back to school. My leisure time goes to reading and journalling, so I’m keeping occupied, but it’s still difficult because I’m not getting much stimulation otherwise, and when I get antsy I usually go seeking thrills that end up getting me into a lot of trouble.
It’s just so frustrating. ADD is like having a toddler – you can’t keep your eyes off it for one second or it ends up breaking a vase or busting a lip on a toy.
Anyway, thanks again to all of you.