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Those behaviors have nothing to do with ADHD and, if I’m right, everything to do with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My mother and grandmother have this, so I recognize the symptoms from having lived with it.
If I’m wrong, I think if you research Narcissistic Personality Disorder you’ll still end up on the path to the real answer. Then you can decide what to do.
Sometimes the best thing to do is to leave and remove yourself and your children (if you have any) from such a toxic environment. Due to the disorder’s very nature (the reasons it developed, etc., because narcissists are made, not born), most narcissists never go to therapy or get any treatment because in order to protect their psyche they’re usually not able to admit to themselves they could have it.
I know that I wished my Dad would divorce my mother all throughout my childhood and beyond, because what he didn’t realize was that when he wasn’t around, her compulsive emotional abuse (like the things you described your husband does, like gaslighting, blaming, bullying, controlling, magical thinking in order to shame and blame others) didn’t just magically disappear because I was a child. It actually got worse because I was young and powerless, and she verbally abused me in ways she couldn’t in front of another adult without getting into a confrontation about how she was able to treat a five year old that way. Also, no adult wanted to believe a mother could say these things to their child and so tried to minimize reported fights as regular mother-daughter spats. It makes you feel… terrible. My dad was an adult who could stand up for himself, but I was a child who could fight back in only some ways and was trapped with no choices in so many other ways. He was a kind man, who simply could not believe his wife could behave like this to their child.
She ran unchecked for years until she got so bad that she was no longer hiding her malice but treating everyone she had even a little power over similarly, even at work. Then everyone realized I was right about her, because they got emotionally abused too. For my part, I minimized contact as soon as I could. Even now, no one in my close or extended family knows my address or even city because I know that if I disclosed it, my mother would crack that poor person open like an egg. I’m trying to protect them too. We (the children of Narcissists) sometimes have to go to such extreme lengths to enforce our personal boundaries, for the sake of our mental health. (I developed Major Depressive Disorder before high school, to no one’s shock, but couldn’t get treatment until I was out of her house, because any perceived weakness and a narcissist will tear you apart.)
You sound like you have the patience of a saint. Good luck with everything, and I sincerely hope my answer helps you even the littlest bit because dealing with someone who exhibits those behaviors can be monumentally, soul-crushingly difficult.
- This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Jae.