I think a lot of us moms have gone through something similar. Unless you are very familiar with ADHD you aren’t going to recognize it in your children. Our generation didn’t even diagnose this disorder, so we don’t have a lot to go on.
I would suggest that you tell your daughter all of this if you haven’t already. Kids are very resilient, and they tend to love us no matter how many mistakes we make 🙂 Tell her how much she means to you, and how much her happiness and success mean to you, and apologize sincerely for the mistakes you’ve made in the past. Reassure her that you have her back no matter what from here on out. Do fun things together, be silly, tell her specifically what you love about her, and do it often.
I found with my daughter it helped to research all of the famous, successful people who have ADHD. It helped to talk about all the ways ADHD makes you better. A sense of humor is crucial for handling tougher times.
I work for an Independent Living Center that focuses on disability rights and resources. See if you have something similar in your area, they can help you in so many ways. Having an advocate who has been in your shoes, and already knows how to navigate these complicated systems is a lifesaver! And, you’ll be modeling for your daughter that it’s OK to seek our assistance in a new or difficult situation, a skill that would benefit her with our without ADHD!
The most important advice I would give you is don’t hold on to guilt! I guarantee your child will forgive you, but it won’t do much good if you don’t forgive yourself.