I am still here, everyone, sorry its taken so long to reply, I’ve been struggling. Thank you so much everyone for your support and encouragement, I am so grateful.
I am trying to summon the courage to tell my wife today. I’m terrified! I am so scared. Its going to hurt her so much and shes such a good person. It feels utterly unbearable. I know she is going to be damaged by what I have done.
I know its all too late and I now have to do this. But I really do not feel very well at all mentally. I feel that this mainly all comes down to shame, years of shame and not knowing I had ADD. I had a tough childhood and it continued through my adult life. Seems all my life Ive been running away, trying to escape. I find life so difficult.
I don’t want to feel this shame again, I don’t want anymore shame, it feels unbearable for my soul. The pain is so great my heart is just broken in pieces, and the thought of breaking my wife’s heart is far too much to bear. I really don’t think I can take it. I feel emotions intensely and Ive always just wanted to be a good person and want everyone to be ok. Then I do stuff like this. Its like I have two separate entities, my good loving soul and this other thing that overrides everything and does dumb things and lies and is awful. I’m not avoiding responsibility for this, just saying how it feels, it really hurts. Hurts everyone, I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.
I know I should be able to find the courage, but after all these years I am exhausted and utterly ashamed at all the deception. I’m not sure I have anything left. My wife has had a difficult life too and has had much trauma, I cant believe that I have done this to her.
I’m a 50 yr old man and I’m sitting here crying buckets. I don’t want to hurt my beautiful wife, her poor soul. I love my wife so very, very much. Dear God help me. I don’t have any close friends, I need help.