Reply To: ADHD or Me??

#54208
Ani
Participant

Hi, sorry about your situation.
Of course, with ADHD comes a lot of struggle, but within all this bubbly mess in our brain, we do have our own individual personalities,
we all handle it differently and it does sound like you have a lot of patience for your husband, maybe sometimes even when he doesn’t deserve it.
A lot of problems come from having ADHD, BUT it’s not something we should use to make excuses for not working on something that’s seriously harming our marriage.
ADHD isn’t everything, it’s a big part of us but it’s up to each person to not let it define them. The meds don’t “cure” our problems, they just make them easier to manage.

It sounds like you’ve been going through this for a long while, and honestly, what point is there in being stuck in a loveless marriage?
It’s not even about ADHD anymore.
What about your children? They sound like they’re suffering too. They understand a lot more than you think of what’s going on, and they’re probably blaming themselves for it. They should be a lot more important to you than your husband at this point, and you also need to think of your well-being.
No one wants to grow up in a broken home.

He won’t change, I highly doubt it. It HELPS to understand him, but there’s only so much understanding you can expect or HE can expect from you.
Don’t let him control you.
And no matter what, the children should be priority.

ADHD or no ADHD – when you’re leaving a marriage it will be emotional, most likely on both parts.
Try and sit down with him, when he’s not upset, and calmly talk about it. Don’t yell – force yourself to stay calm no matter what.
In the end, you weren’t a good fit, you both had your flaws, there’s no winning an argument like that and you shouldn’t try to.
Try and not make a blaming game out of it. As soon as you make it sound like it’s his fault, he might build up walls and start defending himself.
I know when I get upset, I won’t listen to what the other person is saying anymore.

If he tries to provoke you, IGNORE him, there’s no point and it won’t make the decision feel final. Figure out what you’re going to say beforehand.
Stay strong. Stay calm. Stay confident. Think about your children. Ending a marriage isn’t the end of your life. It’s only the beginning.

If not, if you’re really going to stay, you BOTH have to make a big effort in order to not harm your children mentally. I grew up with arguing parents and I often
cried myself to sleep about it. When I was about 15 they separated, and I only wished they had done it a lot sooner.

Take care, I wish you the best.