I get you completely – have just been made redundant because of my adhd, moved back with family (though not across countries), mountains of debt, ruined relationships, 3 demoralising Bill paying jobs alongside teenage school leavers cto try and fill the gap…you’re not alone, try and be kind to yourself. It’s not a personality flaw or you being a rubbish person that’s made you do those things; it’s an illness that hasn’t been successfully treated, yet.
Also I hope you don’t mind me saying, but it sounds like you’re horribly suffering from depression… Have you seen anyone about that? Depression and anxiety are massively comorbid with adhd, so might be worth looking into. I think I’d be in full suicidal hermit mode at the moment if they weren’t being treated alongside the adhd, for me. I’m very ignorant about American healthcare, being from the uk, so I don’t know if that’s a feasible option for you there… Why can’t you move back to the UK, though?
Also might be worth looking into magnesium and 5htp supplements if you’re off meds right now. They’ve really helped me, in the past, because they’re things adhd brains are deficient in, so I’ve heard.
Let me know how you get on…try and treat yourself like you would a friend, and please don’t give up hope.