Reply To: Financial mess and shame

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Dear ADDexhausted

There is a way out of this but you will just need to find some courage to make the first step. I was diagnosed at age 53 a couple of years ago, and it explained a lot. First of all, stop beating yourself up and put the past behind you. You have a condition which got you in to this and that can change. Today is the first day of a new start and you can go forward from here.

1. Find a calm, quiet space and write down how you feel and what you want to happen. It’s good to get things clear in your own head.

2. Speak to your wife if you haven’t already – show her the email.

3. Don’t focus on guilt and shame – learn from it and move on. Acknowledge the reality of the situation, your part in it and your desire to put things right, but refuse to be the bad guy or the victim. You’re not a flaky, irresponsible person – you have a condition that causes you to act this way sometimes.

4. Give control of the finances to your wife and ask her for an allowance. Give her your bank cards. This is necessary for you to set new spending limits. Being a man isn’t about controlling the money – it’s about controlling yourself.

5. Pray for a job that you can do – I’m serious. I did this, started with 1 day a week basic and am now working 25 hours a day doing something I love and am good at, for the same small organisation.

6. Take your medication – methylphenidate (40mg per day) has made all the difference to my life. It makes impossibly stressful tasks (opening mail, dealing with finances, tidying the house) seem normal and do-able, and I do them, without feeling stressed or overwhelmed. It removes my anxiety and helps me see the wood from the trees.

7. Start to develop a very basic routine / check list – ask your wife to prompt you with this, and stick to it. Once you’ve started, it’s so much easier to continue.

I don’t know if you’re a person of faith, but if so (or even if not) there is always forgiveness and a new beginning on offer, whatever happens now. Life is for living and using your talents – not living in regret and fear of the future.

All the best.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by kams22.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by kams22.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by kams22.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by Penny Williams.