Reply To: New to dating a guy with ADHD – Need advice

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#54044
anomalocaris
Participant

Remember that a big part of ADD is information access. The info is there but needs to be triggered. You can tell me every other day for weeks that you’re going to a big event on a certain date. When that date comes up, I’ll still have forgotten. But when I say, “So, coffee tomorrow?” and you say, “I can’t. Remember I have that concert?” I will not only remember about the concert but I will also remember that you’ve reminded me about it 35 times. The things my sister (who is also my best friend) does to make things run smoothly without treating me like a child:

When we go somewhere, she calls me when she’s leaving home. That way, if I’ve lost track of time (or completely forgotten that we agreed to meet), I have a few minutes to get ready — and I don’t have the embarrassment of having her show up on my doorstep and be forced to wait for me, or show up at a meeting place and me not show up. She lets me know she’s headed my way, and I can just say, “Thanks! See ya in a few,” even if I’d completely forgotten that we were getting together. This arrangement works for both us, because she tends to run late. I can stay in my “zone” until she calls, and she can run a few minutes late without guilt. Of course we still set departure times, so we both know approximately what time we’re leaving or meeting.

Even if she’s told me repeatedly that she’s going away for the weekend, when we part for the last time before the weekend, she reminds me casually that she’s leaving the following day.

When there are important family dates approaching, she finds a way to bring them up in conversation without being patronizing. “Where did the time go? Dad’s birthday is nest week already!” “I have no clue what I’m doing about Mother’s day and it’s next weekend. Do you have any ideas?”

Offers to help with the stuff she knows I get overwhelmed by, but also asks for my help in the areas where she struggles and I excel. The second half may sound irrelevant, but it’s not. She recognizes me as an adult with strengths and weaknesses just like anyone else. If your guy can’t balance a checkbook to save his life, and can never remember whether your birthday is on the 12th or the 14th, but he’s calm in a crisis when you’re freaking out and has better fashion sense than you do, it all balances out.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by anomalocaris.