Reply To: New to dating a guy with ADHD – Need advice

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Spouses & Loved Ones New to dating a guy with ADHD – Need advice Reply To: New to dating a guy with ADHD – Need advice


Hello Morena. My advice to you, since this is a boyfriend and not a husband, is to permanently go away from him as fast as you can go. Like the other poster said…RUN. I know this sounds cruel but after 34 years of marriage to a spouse with ADHD (forget about everything else about him because ADHD takes over both our lives), I’m no longer myself and I long to have a sexual relationship (26 years without sex after the guy walks in one day after many years of marriage and right after his mother dies and tells me he can’t have sex anymore), who talks like an adult and has empathy as an adult (wait until you discover he has not the capability to understand about your frustration and resentment which will arrive shortly when you least expect it), who remembers, who doesn’t repeat everything 1,000 times, who never stops talking, who never listens, who constantly interrupts everyone else with his own stories, who tells you what the TV commentators are telling you while you are trying to listen to them, who leaves you alone while he talks to strangers on the internet rather than have an adult conversation with you, who leaves you stuck in a vacuum of a marriage because you have become too old trying to understand the dolt and being faithful and growing old together, and it becomes too late to get out. If you want years of babying a grown-up, being the ONLY grown-up in the relationship (you will become his mother because you can’t trust his judgment, especially with business matters), never having him initiate anything except something to entertain himself, have no memory or follow-through, unable to rely on him the least bit, not trusting what will come out of his mouth at any given time which may be totally inappropriate, who says one thing and swears he never said it, who never says it and claims he did so why don’t you remember it?…things like that 24/7 for the rest of your life (?) then good luck to you. Oh and by the way, most people just think we non-ADHD spouses should just do a constant “work around” for the sake of the relationship. Wait a minute! We non-ADHDers need more from life than a prison with an empty person. Lastly let me say that in the beginning they put their best efforts forward…remembering special dates, letting you talk and pretending to listen, being affectionate, picking out a restaurant…that sort of thing. All of that is a real struggle for them. My spouse did this for 10 years before I started noticing that something was wrong. He never told me he was ADHD. I had to discover it for myself and when I told him my diagnosis, he laughed and said I was right! I’m 76 years old and totally alone without companionship. I have always been an optimist but now I struggle because I can’t go out in public and start talking about my frustrations and pointing out my husband’s failings. So, you can begin the rest of your life “understanding” your boyfriend or you can begin reading all the comments about how YOU are the one who has to make allowances for the ADHD partner in order to find happiness. You will, at some point, begin to feel like you need to get out and breathe. You’ll find yourself talking to the service providers who fix your washing machine just to talk to an adult someone. If you have children you will begin to notice that you have children and an adult child who will never grow up. They are totally self-absorbed. My last point for you is to carefully study Donald Trump. He is ADHD and he keeps his family close because they cover for him. He tells lies and swears he never said them even though there are videos of him doing so. His powers of concentration can’t exceed 10 minutes. He says horrible things because he is unable to discipline himself. He doesn’t get embarrassed or ashamed because he lacks the requisite empathy and has no ability to have genuine feelings. He starts a speech about one issue and after 2 minutes begins to talk about something altogether different (usually the only thing he is interested in which is most always that he won the popular vote). No one can tell him anything and he can’t read very well because all the ideas on the page begin to look like strings of cheese. He makes stuff up and then believes it to be a fact and becomes delusional. People can see there is something wrong with him but he’s ADHD and he can’t ever be fixed. Notice how everyone has to work around him? My life with my spouse is very similar to living with a Donald Trump. At first you feel sorry for them (what kind of character does one have who will leave someone who needs you?), then you feel embarrassment on occasion and feel sorry for yourself. Then you vow you can and will FIX them and seek help. Afterall, you always wanted to be a mother, nurse, and teacher and have a permanent 5 year old. It is good that you are asking for advice and you probably are getting the usual advice. YOU do all the work, YOU be the understanding one, You can do it, that person needs YOU (or someone like you because they primarily are looking for someone to take care of them FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE.) How does that make you feel? A lifetime commitment that you are bargaining for before you even understand what the contract is (there’s no online manual that comes with these people). If you want to be alone for the rest of your life, be sure and foster your relationship with the ADHD guy. He’ll test your fortitude for sure. Also, unless your goals are to be an A-1 caretaker, please don’t believe that you can’t do better because you can. Choose wisely.