You can talk to the children’s pediatrician to present the genetic link for ADHD and suggest for both of you to get tested. I don’t know if that would be a magic bullet though, since constant jerkiness and no sex are not exactly ADHD as I know it. Another thing to check would be sleep apnea — the eggshells plus some other symptoms correspond a bit better (and ADHD and sleep apnea together are a super bad combo).
That being said, if your husband would not listen to suggestions that would improve his quality of life and save his marriage, maybe there is nothing to be saved? (Sorry for being so brutal, but I know plenty of ADHD people in happy long term relationships. It is possible to do that if you own your weaknesses and accept help.)