How about this.
Maybe the brain is wired so that it cannot handle a lot of stimulation, which can be anything, a pen on a table, someone’s look, lack of a job, no need to judge
the stimulation. This creates angst, anxiety, anger, frustration. Things are overwhelming. So you maybe go into shut-down, and freeze.
But the feelings pop up again anyway and the cycle continues. You go back into shut-down.
The question is how to get out of the cycle. Going into shut-down is called defense mode and we cannot learn things or do things in that mode. So how to get out of defense mode?
You probably don’t have asperger’s but the techniques on resolving defense mode from this website make sense. You may want to take a look at aspergerexperts.com
It will be easier to talk with your wife once you understand yourself more, how you are wired and what defense mode means to you. You will hopefully have something to say to her that comes from a place of compassion and care for yourself, rather than shame and angst.