Reply To: Financial mess and shame

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Hi, I completely understand where you’re coming from. As men, I believe one of the most damaging things we are taught is that in order to be a proper man, we have to deal with all of our problems on our own, and protect those that we love from fear. This can be a noble attitude in small doses, but when you apply it as the only way to face life, it creates more problems. I think it is one of the reasons why men have such a high suicide rate compared to women. Because of our sense of pride and duty we refuse to seek outside help. Then we when have nothing let, we end it. If you’re thinking of taking that path, I urge to tell a trusted friend. Suicide will take all your problems away from you, but will transfer them to those that you love, who will now have all your problems, plus the added burden of your death to deal with, and fewer resources to handle it than you had. No matter how bad you’ve made things for your loved ones, suicide will make it worse.

So the first thing you need to do is to deal with your fear and aversion to getting help. The longer you let these things control you, the worse it’s going to get. There’s really only one way you can deal with this situation, and that is to deal with your fear. Give yourself a short deadline (like 24 hours) to prepare yourself, and then talk to your wife and tell her everything. She’s going to find out eventually, and it’s better if she hears it from you. You need to lay ALL the cards out on the table, and then you need to change your whole approach to life. You need to start looking at life as a partnership with your wife, instead of you leading with everything on your shoulders. It won’t be easy to do this, but you are out of any other options. Getting help is not unmanly – it is responsible and wise, which is very manly. If you must, think of it this way – you need to (figuratively) kill the man you were, so that you can become the man you need to be. Instead of dumping ALL your problems on your loved ones, you will only be asking them to share the burden. And if the worst happens, and she decides to leave you, at least you gave her that option, instead of forcing it upon her.

Once you make your wife your equal partner in handling this, you’re going to find a lot more options open to you. She may have ideas that you wouldn’t have thought of, she will be able to hold you accountable for actions, and she will be able to understand any sacrifices you are both going to have to make. You may find yourself with renewed energy, determination, and hope for the future, which is what you need. I wish you the best of luck.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Walter.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Walter.