Reply To: New to dating a guy with ADHD – Need advice

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#51196
AnneHW
Participant

Maybe I need to quit following this thread, but the minute I see RUN, I also see RED! I understand there are always going to be people who had a horrible relationship/marriage with someone who had ADHD/ADD, but that’s true no matter who you’re involved with!!! My husband would never say that being married to me isn’t worth it. In fact, at one point, after reading some of the negative responses I asked him if he was happy being married to me, and he looked stunned. He told me he loves it. As I keep trying to point out, if the person is a jerk, that’s because he/she is a jerk. If there are things that truly bother you (like you’re extremely well organized and he isn’t), then you have to take that into consideration. But, in our case, I happen to be better organized than my husband, and I find that irritating at times. But we’ve learned to communicate. He likes leaving early for appointments, and I’m always running a little behind. That irritates him sometimes, but I try to watch the clock and sometimes I hear him call out, “5 more minutes!” 😏

We don’t nag one another. It’s pointless to do that with anyone because it’s an extremely ineffective way to get the other person to do something, whether he/she has ADD or not. I’m not saying we don’t get upset or quarrel at times, but even when we do, we usually talk about it and find a way to deal with things more constructively. But sometimes one of us just tired and cranky!

We are long past the hyper-focus phase of our 30-year marriage, but we love being together. I couldn’t ask for a better companion/lover/friend. And I know he feels the same way. Yes, I definitely have problems. I tend to get depressed and have anxiety (problems sleeping) periodically. I definitely have problems staying focused or I can be hyper focused. But, I’m also aware of the impact I might be having on my partner. I don’t make him miserable because I’m having a difficult time. If I could list all the complaints I’ve heard from friends who are supposedly married to people who are mentally “healthy,” you’d discover that there are just as many and more problems for them.

This is about finding a person who is caring and interested in succeeding in a relationship with you. People with ADD are very sensitive, and smart. If you can find most of the things that matter to you in any person, then it’s worth taking a risk. You would be taking a risk no matter who you got involved with. The main difference here is you have a label and a set of symptoms that will be more pronounced in some areas than others. But, for all the people saying such negative things about people with ADD/ADHD, please tell me what makes you so wonderful? Explain to me all the things you do that make you a better person. I’d also like you to make a list of your flaws. What have you done to other people or within a relationship that might be considered unhealthy, unkind, thoughtless, self-centered, etc.? I bet you could name a few things.