Reply To: New to dating a guy with ADHD – Need advice

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#51193
anngelik
Participant

Morena26,
During the first 6 to 12 months everything seems almost perfect either with a ADHD/ADD partner or a neurotypical one, therefore, and according of what I read you are still in the hyperfocus-phase of the relationship, where everything seems to be doable and worth the effort…. but it is not.
I dated a guy with ADHD for almost 2 years, and as you, by the 4th month I started to try to better understand him through research.
I went from articles to books, from forums to webinars; even if in my 6th month of relationship I got the advice I will give to you now:
¨Even if you are already in love: RUN! you are still on time¨.
Don´t misunderstand me, I loved him, and he loved me back; but I wish I had taken the advice at that time, since I would have preferred to expend those years in a non-draining relationship.
As somebody pointed out before the key of success is acceptance, but take into account that you don´t need to accept just the common flaws in a partner, but what ADHD/ADD brings with it, and that it is not something somebody with a strong organize life will do, even if we tell ourselves we will, it just wont happen.
And I am not saying ADHDers don´t deserve to be loved; parents of ADHDers do love them, but when is about relationships that love is more like a commitment to yourself as in: I can do it…
Either with medications, exercise or coaching symptoms will be always present, and they will weight in with time; even if part of those things make you like him now or if you take some of them with a sense of humour, be aware that will change for you with time.
There is not such thing like ¨he is trying to focus¨, he has ADHD, so he will be absent sometimes (more that what you´ll expect) even if he ¨tries¨.
You will see some changes, yes, but they will be temporary until you start nagging him again.
After the hyperfocus phase, and even the dating phase, if you decide to go further and live together for instance, he will still love you, yes; but dear, even if this is the saddest thing to understand: ¨Love is not enough¨
I do hope you read my advice and think about it with a cold head and an open heart, because I´ve been there and believe me I´m not the only one who would give you a similar one.
And if you don´t it´s okay, we all have to go our own paths and learn from our mistakes, so I wish you all the best and also all the strength.
Angelika

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by anngelik. Reason: typos