Reply To: ADD and denial?

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Laura C.

Non ADD spouse, your follow-up letter was very interesting and sad. It seems that your husband has learned to make accommodations for himself– as long as it’s in the workplace. So he is capable of dealing with his neurological-difference positively. What was telling about your response was you assertion that your husband thought marriage would be an exciting adventure. It is, but it’s also hard work. As an ADHD person, I struggled with feeling like the adventure had ended in the early years of my marriage. I tend to crave excitement– it’s hard wired in some of us. But over the years I came to realize that while I craved the excitement of the new, I also needed and valued the stability of my relationship with my husband. I had come to rely on his compassion and his understanding. If I’d thrown that over for something new, I probably just go looking for the same thing in my next relationship. We did couples therapy and I did individual therapy, but I had to come to this understanding on my own. NO one can force you to see the truth of your own life.

We tend to find partners who embody what we want in ourselves. Chance are, your husband admired your organizational skills and stability. He probably wanted to be more like you, but of course, now he misses the thrill of adventure. What did you want from him? Did he represent impulsive adventure and fun? And what do you want now? You can’t change your husband. All you can do is think about what you want for your own future. Right now you are focused on your husband and the relationship. Perhaps it is time to think about you. If you had some hidden lust for adventure, or a new creative pursuit that has been buried under all this concern for your husband, the time to grab hold of it is now.