Thanks for the additional comments. Seeing that people with ADHD can be sympathetic and thoughtful via their comments is really making me think something is very wrong.
My leaving has been a major threat to him in the past, but I haven’t been able to follow through (at first b/c I couldn’t accept it all, then financial concerns, now just exhaustion and concern I’ll lose my job if I have to take time to move). I think he’s also – perhaps unintentionally – been manipulative so I don’t leave by threatening with financial struggles and trying to convince me it’s all my fault. Now when we fight badly, he wants to leave too, but that changes quickly and he doesn’t go either. We’re both stuck.
His family has not set any kind of good example, or ever recognized any ADD symptoms in him (or themselves).
He doesn’t “forget” to do the therapy homework, he just doesn’t understand it and refuses to try or says he did but it didn’t work (and he’s truly convinced of this). He completely denies any effect of his behaviors and blames others (mostly me). To him, it seems like I’m the only one with a problem. He doesn’t get close enough to anyone for them to see any of this. To him, it feels like I’m always trying to blame him and put everything on him because I often respond by talking about the neglected ADD symptoms. I’ve learned that he’s both incredibly stubborn and incredibly patient and flexible. The extremes can be maddening for me at times.
He does fine at work – meets deadlines, initiates things – but has total control. He won’t do any of that at home though. He says that if he can’t have 100% control he wants 0% so working together isn’t an option, which is why I get stuck doing everything. I can’t even get him to put vacation time on the calendar. Forget housework or chores or any kind of regular routine/sanity. Every day is like starting over.
Nothing he wants to do has anything to do with me, which is opposite of when we first met. He says that marriage is just an adventure and he wants to do what he wants and I just come along. He’ll say he wants a family, but doesn’t seem to be willing to do any of the work or preparation to make that happen. I try to talk about upcoming challenges I anticipate as life gets complicated (aging parents etc.) so we can address and not be overwhelmed by them, but until they actually happen, he won’t even acknowledge the possibility so we just live by “putting out fires” and barely surviving. It feels like he just wants to do whatever his ADD mind is into at the moment and ignore everything else including me.
If this is more than ADD, I should definitely check out. I feel so cheated between how he treated me at the beginning compared to now, and people’s comments are just making me think I’m a fool to think anything will improve. He says he wants to change, but I don’t see any actions to support it. He says he wants what I want, but does nothing to make it happen.
We’ll see how couples therapy goes this week. We have someone who at least understands ADD now, but I think I may have had enough.
PS – it should be a crime to try and treat ADHD without proper training and experience – those professionals have done a lot of damage to both of us.