Wow, this situation sounds tough. It sounds like you have struggled mightily to improve the relationship. Also, that he has at least tried several things. Sounds like you both are terribly frustrated. My heart goes out.
I’m wondering what the consequences are to his ADHD. To him and to you. It sounds like there are lots of consequences but they are different for both of you. If he acted differently — coped better with his ADHD — how would life be different? For him and you? How would it be better and how would it feel? It seems that a big part of the problem is that he does not see how life might change. Does he want to change? If he does, what are his ideas on how that might happen? Do the two of you actually want something similar enough to pursue as a couple? Or is there no real common intention? Is there a positive vision that he can buy into and agree to pursue as best he can in a partnership? If not, then it seems like both of you could actually feel ok about having done your best up to this point and moving on.I don’t doubt that he’s doing the best he can. Same with you.
I should say that I am a man with ADHD. I was married for almost twenty years. I had a wonderful wife and I have two incredible children. But I no longer have a family. A lot of that was due to having undiagnosed ADHD for most of my marriage — so many destructive patterns became entrenched. But there was another factor I would say. In the past, for me to change, compared to non-ADHD people, the consequences of my actions had to be severe. Sometimes, I had a hard time knowing the true value things and only realized how I really felt when it was too late. If there is a way of communicating the value of your life together, the value of your relationship, getting him to see that, maybe that is part of the answer. Maybe he can’t see it unless the threat of losing it is very real. I don’t know. I’d have to know a lot more about you to know what else to say. These are just reactions and thoughts that came up as I read your story and the other commentary. I pray that both you and your husband find some relief and some way out of the frustration you are in. Andrew