That’s quite a harrowing story you tell. I have an older brother — 18 months older — who has been a lifelong addict (alcohol and drugs), and I realized at one point that I had always been afraid and anxious about what might happen to him. That’s been bad enough, but I’d take that any day over being a little kid and fearing for my own safety.
I wonder where you find things like joy, happiness, and fulfillment in life. It sounds like through work, at least to some extent. That’s big.
I acknowledge you for getting past keeping the story of your life, your feelings, etc. “bottled up.” For most of my life, I was terribly ashamed of myself and felt like there was something wrong with me. Well there’s nothing wrong with me. Nothing wrong with you either. Opening up about shame is a good way to take the power away from it.