There’s a huge difference between accepting someone with ADHD and enabling someone with ADHD. There’s a big difference between mentoring (i.e. communicating with) each other and having a parent/child relationship. As you both know, a marriage takes two and requires both to contribute for the benefit of the other.
ADHD medication can do wonders to help with self-control, hyperactivity, attention, and impulsiveness. However, it’s not a be-all / end-all. Other treatments such as CBT can be helpful in deciding why certain ADHD behaviors are exhibited at what times. It can help with understanding your own thought process or absence of a thought process so you can make better decisions and think thru a situation differently. You also sometimes need to take an anti-anxiety drug or antidepressant if you’re suffering from those symptoms. In terms of high functioning autism, it depends on your hubby’s desire for sameness and for restricted interests. I think you have to take ASD with a grain of salt particularly because the ADHD can be equally debilitating – ASD is known for being more severe but for someone with very minor ASD and/or NLD, the ADHD can definitely cause more issues.
Being a married person is a huge commitment that requires both partners to invest in each other. My wife and I have ADHD and we both have nonverbal learning disorder (NLD). Both of my ADHD and NLD is more severe than hers. Mine is the hyperactive / impulsive type, hers is inattentive. That said, by learning to work with each other, we have a great marriage. It can be frustrating to not be understood or to be judged (or to judge) but keeping open communication and an open-mind helps a lot. Also, being able to have one day a week where you just do something independently is very helpful (i.e. he can help by watching the kids). It can be frustrating if the kids are a mess but you can work with him and he can work with you to see how you can meet each others expectations, tweak those expectations, and really love & respect one another. That is what makes for a great marriage, ADHD or not.