What I’ve always read and heard is if your spouse won’t get counseling, then go yourself. We always think we can “fix” the other person, but we can’t. The only person we can “fix” is ourselves, and sometimes that means getting out.
I know it’s hard when you’re in the middle of it, but how long are you willing to be miserable? The sad part is when we’re in an abusive relationship, we end up participating and having our own problems. We keep making excuses, we keep hoping, and in many ways we’re in as much denial as the person making us miserable. In fact, I’d go so far as to say, we’re making ourselves miserable because we aren’t willing to face facts.
I guess if you want to stay in this situation then you’ll have to find ways to make yourself happy. Find other interests and other friends. You are NOT going to change him. You are NOT going to get him to go to counseling. You are NOT going to get him to take medication. So what ideas do you have? What do you think someone is going to tell you that you haven’t already tried or thought of?
It’s interesting that you’ve titled this “ADD and denial?” Then you write this: “I understand I cannot force anything, but there just can’t be “nothing” to do by either one of us…” “Either one” means YOU can do something even if he won’t. Stop asking for people for ways to “fix” him because they can’t anymore than you can. I’m sure he’s frustrated if he’s been to all those therapists and nothing has helped, but that’s his problem. Maybe leaving will give him some space and time to figure things out and maybe it won’t. At least you’d be taking some positive steps for yourself because the only one you can fix is YOU.